UGH!

It's been ONE OF THOSE WEEKS! My husband has been on the road for 5 weeks, and won't be home until next weekend. It's so hard to be alone with 5 kids... I'm seriously outnumbered. I'm feeling very overwhelmed, discouraged, and downright defeated!

Started the week off with having to take my mama cat to the vet to be put to sleep. In the past few years, I've had way too many pet deaths... but this is the first time I had to hold my pet while it was being put to sleep. I felt so bad for her, as a kitten and really until she had her litter of kittens on April 10th she wasn't a very friendly cat. Not mean, but not one that wanted to be held of petted. Once she had her babies she became sweet and affectionate. It broke my heart to see her in such a condition: broken back, loss of bathroom control... and she laid there with her head in my hand purring until she took her last breath. Since 2006 we've lost 1 dog, 1 puppy, 3 cats, 3 kittens, and 6 ducks. Failed Gardeners have a black thumb, I think I have a black paw. :/

I'm not sure why, but at least half of my kids/step kids don't like me. I'd like to think I'm above caring about what others think of me, but this stinks. I'm a good mom. (at least people tell me that I am) I love my kids, and have gone through the ringer to try to give them the best care I can. We don't have a nice house, we don't get to go on vacations, but I love them and I try to give them a good home regardless of what we can/can not afford. I have a strong passion to home school them. It's a wonderful opportunity for character building and abundant amounts of learning ( for both them and me) and they seem to resent me for it. Not sure if its the teenage years, but it's gone from disobedience to flat out ignoring me... I will ask 1,4,9, 35 times for my son to do something, and it's like he can't even here me speaking, looks right through me, and walks away. I'm too tired to fight anymore. They seem to "know" everything I'm doing wrong and never miss an chance to point it out. I even got blamed last night for their dad being quote: "an idiot" because I was the one stupid enough to marry him and have kids with him, and he's not "equipped to be a great dad". Yes, I should have know better... silly me. At least my stepson not liking me I can understand, he's under the impression I stole his dad, which I did not, and I'm sure he's not real pleased with the fact that I gave his dad another son. Gather that from the fact that he's declined several offers to meet his baby brother. Hopefully time will fix that. Not sure why my son resents and dislikes me. My oldest and I have never really gotten along. She's very strong willed with a dominant personality, I'm very meek and sometimes appear weak to her... and much like a lot of the animal kingdom... the stronger try to take out the weaker. I think it was my mom that once told me about a chicken that was born with one leg and all the other chickens pecked it to death because it was different and weak. I'm the one legged chicken. I know what they have been through, of anyone in the world I can understand. I want better for them, and yet they consider me a failure.

My husband and I have an attorney that we've been using since Jim sued me in family court for "clarity of moving issues" . He's actually Dave's childhood friend. Maybe that's why he thinks its okay to be rude and obnoxious. I'm fairly certain that he doesn't treat his other clients the way he treats me, or he'd not still be in business. Yesterday was about the end of my rope on patience with him. I'd fire him if I thought for a minute we'd ever get the $1,800 + plus balance we have left on our retainer with him.

My cell phone died completely a couple of days ago... and thankfully I'm due to upgrade on Tuesday, and I was able to find a very old phone of Dave's that I could use until then... been neat to see some of the old pictures on it, one of Grandson Gabriel as toddler riding on the school bus with his mom! Very Sweet! He's starting kindergarten this fall. How did that happen? Sadly what else I found was old text messages from when I was pregnant with Andy. What a horrible time in our lives. As if living apart wasn't bad enough the kids and I we're having to stay with their dad so they could go to school in Ellington. On the fabulous suggestion of the Child Services Department of the State of Connecticut. The very same people that told me I was a bad mother for "allowing" this same man to abuse me all the years that we were married... and they let you know that it's a 'SUGGESTION' but if you don't follow it and something "happens" they have the right to take away your kids. Lovely. Anyway re-reading those texts to Dave I sent while laying in bed with my little girls ~ terrified out of my mind ~ brought back waves and waves of sadness. We sent messages to each other ~ both of us were scared, sad, discouraged... thought if we could move and start fresh it would all be okay. Sad part is that we've gotten 90% of those things accomplished but still don't get to be together. He lives in his truck, I live with the kids. Sometimes life just stinks.