The X games

I realize that I've been blog deficient since Thanksgiving time. I have a valid excuse. I've been beyond busy playing the "X GAMES". X as in eXcrement! I'm up to my eyebrows and last nerve potty training a very defiant 3 year old boy and a puppy that seemingly has an unnatural fear of defecating in nature, and will hold it for an unbelievable amount of time just so she can relieve herself on the floor indoors. I am losing my good sense of humor along with my sense of smell. The continued exposure to the foul smells has possibly damaged my olfactory system for life. If I can't enjoy the smell of such things as lilacs, leather, fresh coffee, and my husbands neck again due to forced participation in the eXcrement games, someone is GONNA OWE ME BIG TIME. I suppose I could make Andy sign a contract saying that he promises to care for me in my old age in payment of subjecting me to horrendous potty training. But how do I make Cuppie settle her debt??? It's not like there are sweat shops hiring mixed breed dogs to make low cost blue jeans, or to stitch synthetic wigs. She's cute, but far too belligerent to be a doggie model. At the rate she is growing, its safe to assume we will be able to work out a good barter. My hundreds of clean ups on project poo for several years of "home security" service. Still even if she protects me from the harm of home invaders and he treats me like a queen in my old age, a more immediate reward would sure help my performance and my attitude... I might even win a gold medal! :) I'm outfitted for success with a carpet shampooer, disinfectant, SHOUT laundry pre-treater, and a diminished sense of smell.

Thanksgiving

My cousin asked us to share this morning in church what we were thankful for. This is what I shared.



I am thankful for:



* The privilege to be a mother to 5 of the most amazing people God created.



* The honor of being David's wife.



* The blessing God gave me when he chose my parents.



* The advantage of being a baby sister.



* The fellowship of my church family.



* The freedom that comes from forgiveness and healing.



* The joy that comes from being able to laugh at myself.



* The excitement that each new day brings.



* The opportunity to serve others.



* The wisdom that comes from the difficult times.



* The treasure of special friendships.



* The comfort of being loved.



* The luxury of having all my needs met.



* The delight of knowing my future is taken care of.



* The peace that comes form knowing Jesus.

Out of the mouths of my kids in the past couple of days...

*Kristen: Did you know that fireflies don't really do much while they are young, and then spend most of their adult lives mating and reproducing?
*Garrett: Hey! That's just like you, Mom!

*Andy: {making a grunting noise}
*Me: Andy, are you pooping?
*Andy" {puts hand on chin, while leaning on the end of my bed} No, I'm thinking about watching tv.

*Renae: Grandma is on her way home? We made a HUGE mess at her house the other day, but we cleaned it all up so she won't be mad at us!

*Elwood: {scratching at the front door}
*Andy: {from his highchair} Mom! Elly Belly has to poop!!!
((this from the boy who "can't" tell me when he needs to toilet))

Andy's dental surgery

Andy went for his dental surgery this morning. I'm so proud of him. He was brave. We got up early so I let him go to the hospital in his jammies. I snapped a photo of him in the parking garage before we went in he was all smiles. He got to play in the fun room for a while after he had his vitals taken and got his gown on. They let him drive a Little Tykes Truck to the operating room. He was waving and smiling and said "I'm driving like Daddy". He was in surgery for about an hour, they crowned 6 teeth, four on the right side, two on the left. When I got to the recovery room he was sobbing. I was able to pick him up off the bed and hold him in the rocking chair. He cried for 20 minutes and then fell back asleep for about an hour. After he was alert we were able to get dressed and head for home. I presented him with a "thanks for being such a big boy gift" of a little stuffed moose. He squeezed it very tightly and I asked what his name was and he said, "MOOSE!" We stopped on the way home for some ginger ale, as the dr suggested he drink for the rest of the day, and on the way to the check out he picked out some tiny marshmallows... they did say ONLY soft food, they probably didn't mean marshmallows, but we balanced it out with macaroni and cheese. :) He's playing quietly now, and declined any pain medicine. His Daddy has called twice to check on him and sent me a text this morning on the way to the hospital saying "Give Andy a kiss for me and tell him I love him". These things are harder on Daddy and Mommy than they are on the boy I do believe. I am thankful to God for blessing Andy's day, to Dr. Murphy for being so kind and gentle and filling in at a moments notice, and to the staff at the Hospital for taking such good care of Andy.

Ceiling Fans and Carpet Stains

I've had my ceiling fans running pretty much non stop all summer long, so when fall arrived and the temperatures dropped into the very pleasant 70's I gave my electric meter a respite and switched the fans off. And to what should my wondering eyes should appear, but an inch of fur lay on the shiny blades there! What manner of super powered dust bunnies can attach themselves to rapidly spinning guillotines of death??? It defies all common sense. Not only can they jump on there but they set up camp and seemingly breed at the speed of light and multiply like their rodent bunny cousins. It's disgusting. The blades are so hairy they resemble the leg of an Eastern European factory worker. I'm not sure if I should go after them with the vacuum or a straight razor! Lucky for me I have a tall, dark, and handsome husband that is a genius with the vacuum attachments. He went after my ceiling fans like a squirrel goes after a newly filled bird feeder. After and hour of the vacuum humming and the husband buzzing from room to room, my fan blades were as shiny as a baby hiney! I've got the upper hand (or paw as it were) on the ceiling fan dust bunnies for the moment so the next battle is that of the stench monster left by my basset hound, who has apparently lost control of his bodily functions. Phase one of operation de-funk is to replace the foam insert on one of my couch cushions. A trip to the fabric store yesterday accomplished that. Now to shampoo the carpet...AGAIN. Between my anti-potty toddler and my basset with the weak bladder, my carpet has seen more pee than a urinal at a rest area... its to the point I'm considering removing the carpet and installing a cement floor with a drain in it, that way I can just take the hose to it in the event of a "accident" or in most cases in my house an "on purpose" . ((insert furrowed eyebrows here))

Cars, Dr's and Exercise

* So I took my teenage daughter to the Dr the other day for an appointment regarding her migraines and when the nurse called her in, she looked over her shoulder at me and said, "I don't want you going with me". So I sat in my chair while the nurse held the door open for me, and I said, "I'm sorry, she doesn't want me to go with her". To which the nurse replied, "She doesn't have a choice. This way please". Once escorted to the room, and the door closed behind us I was treated to the 'angry eyes'. She's not a baby! She doesn't NEED me in her Dr appointment! I must say I'm not surprised at her independence. In fact she's been independent right from childbirth. She was quite annoyed that we took her out of the hospital in a carseat, she wanted to walk out and carry her own bag.

* Speaking of Dr appointments, I went yesterday for my physical along with 'Lady tune-up' as a bonus! I dare anyone to tell me I don't have talent! It's a skill to carry on small talk while your innards are being manhandled! I also exercised great restraint when I stepped on the scale, I just mumbled "seriously?" under my breath, instead of doing what I really wanted to do which was to spit on it and call it a filthy liar! I have a theory though, my Dr. is Superman (Christopher Reeves ~ NO JOKE)So I think his scale is showing what I weigh on the planet Krypton! It's got to be that... I couldn't possibly weigh that much on Earth!

* Its official! My car is possessed! Yesterday when Garrett and I came out of his therapy appointment I noticed the lights got left on and I was having a time trying to start the car. It wouldn't turn over, but not only that... once I turned the key my gauges started swinging around wildly and my windshield wipers starred going back and forth very slowly and they weren't even on!!! I asked Garrett to go get the security guard inside and ask him for a jump start. Secretly I was hoping he was packing heat so he could shoot my car if it tried to strangle me with the seat belt. Obviously, once the nice man came out my car took the jump start with ease, and showed no signs of the dementia it had moments before.

* My Dr told me yesterday that I suffer from anxiety... NO KIDDING! My dog could have diagnosed me! It's not a deep dark mystery. I'm a wide open, in your face, here for the show NUT! I'm honest and up front about it, so maybe that's why I don't scare people as often as is possible. Sort of like if someone points out a snake on the ground, once they've warned you ~ you can take measures to keep at a safe distance (or run away screaming). Most people don't run away after I fire my warning shot, but rather observe me with cautious curiosity, much the same as viewing an eclipse.

* I was also told yesterday that I'm supposed to be exercising 3 hours a week. That's swell! I sleep 3 hours a week too, so I should balance itself right out! Does crying in the shower count as exercise???

I don't think blogs are meant to be used 2.5 times a year, therefore, I now declare that I will become a BETTER, MORE DILIGENT BLOGGER! I am ashamed to see my last post was in May ~ if I don't get off my can, they are probably going to kick me out of the Blogging Union, or whatever sort of group / board is in charge of these types of things.

So here's what's been happening in my world since May: (don't worry ~ you'll get the Reader's Digest Condensed version)

*My car has become possessed. Much like the Christine car in the Steven King novel. When I use the auto locks neither of the slider doors will lock, when I lift the handle on the drivers door to get it, the lock snaps down and locks me out ~ the squirters stopped working for my windshield so the outside is always filthy, and my 8 year old washed the inside with baby wipes so it resembles what might have happened if I'd wiped my window with an egg salad sandwich ~ even thought I've cleaned it with windex a million times IT'S STILL NOT RIGHT! The moldings are falling off around my windows, so now they leak every time it rains, my brake line rotted off, and my front tire won't hold air ~ it deflates faster than the Hindenburg.

* Home school is going well. I've learned some algebra, a few interesting facts about the planets in our solar system, that some female fireflies don't have wings, and that little girls can make a learning day a lot longer when they giggle or argue!

* I'm potty training a toddler bent on winning the battle and taking his Mommy down! Just when I think we're making progress, I have to break out the carpet shampooer AGAIN. And much like a cat that vomits, he refuses to do it on linoleum ~ and will only desecrate the carpet. He enjoys toileting on the floor so much I'm considering just getting him a litter box. What else am I to do... just the other night I was beaming with pride that he actually got the poop directly from himself into the potty, and amid my cheers he ran across the hall to my bedroom and promptly peed on the carpet next to my bed. SERIOUSLY??!!! He knows I'm old and tired and he's toying with me.

* My parents came to the land of kids and sunny weather in September. It's been so wonderful having them live close to me again. Slowly we're working together to get their house up to par, so far the master bed/bath is done and it's GORGEOUS! I told them by spring we'll have it all done! I enjoy that they don't have a stove yet, and as such I get to have them to my house for dinner every night. It's so nice to have the adult company while Dave is away so much. Now my Aunt and Uncle are buying the trailer right next to me (boy will they be sorry). Just kidding, hopefully they will consider us to be good neighbors, and overlook our sometimes "loud fellowship".

* I've been engaged in a family court issue that has dragged on for months, and months. I'm pretty sure they are trying to see how far they can push me before I remove all the hair from head and make sweaters out of it. Two continuances, and one trip (3 plane changes) later, we are now set to do trail via video conferencing in December. I always wanted to be on TV, this however, is not what I dreamed my big screen debut would be.

* I'm up to my whiskers in kittens! I went from having 3 outdoor cats in the spring to having 10! Two male cats and one Mama cat who then had 4 kittens, My mama cat died when her kittens were 5 weeks old, so that left me with 2 adult male cats, and four kittens. My cousin took one kitten, So I was down to 2 adults and 3 kittens, then the stray left four kittens on my porch ~ Great! 9 cats to feed, then the little deaf kitten up the road moved on over to our yard... 2 cats and 8 kittens!!! Are you kidding me??? I stood in front of WalMart with boxes of kittens until I wanted to weap, I've called the resuce shelters ~ which were all full ~ and posted them on Craigs list. After all that effort, I still have 10 cats! I'm going to need to join a support group for over-catters anonymous. You know be able to hang out with others that look the same as you, blood shot eyes from second hand catnip, fur all covering your clothes, and tiny scratches all over your body. They're really beginning to get to me, the other day I caught myself licking the back of my hand and rubbing behind my ear in the shower, and I swear that Andyman was purring the other night in his sleep.